i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
be right there i have to get my cape
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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