how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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