I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
