you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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