Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
