so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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