Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
