Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
