mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
