During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
