why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
