I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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