and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
