My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
