nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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