Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
