can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
