i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
