So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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