You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
