I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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