Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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