highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
