Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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