There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
As shirtless as possible
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
