There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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