True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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