How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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