i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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