Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
