just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
