You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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