Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
