Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
