Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
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she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
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I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize