I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
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Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
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Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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