Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
my liver is dry heaving
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
