I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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