I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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