you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
