Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
