I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
