Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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