Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
