It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
not ubering you a puppy
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
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