if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
