I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
