I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
