You just made me feel so damn special
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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