3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
