I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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