so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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