Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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