Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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